Holy Smokes - Part One

A new vape shop in a local community parish is not all that it seems.

In a small, leafy, affluent village of Edinburgh, there stood a church. By all accounts, it was an unassuming but lively, family-friendly sort, serving a small parish community in the northwest of the city. A short walk away was the local school. You’d often see, usually towards the end of the term, crocodile lines of children being marched grudgingly up to the church hall for a school play rehearsal. Many found it cute. The kids didn’t.

Along the way, they’d pass a little row of shops, a dentist and a local GP surgery. There was a newsagent, a general market for smaller grocery runs, a Chinese that was less of a hole in the wall and more of a hole in your wallet type, a hairdresser, and a vape shop. Nothing out of the ordinary. Except that yesterday, there was a florist run by an elderly couple, and today it was a vape shop, and nobody seemed to notice.

The vape shop stood out like a sore thumb, too. A bright yellow neon sign above the door loudly announced the shop as “Vape Expectations”, and a poster with large, bold print proclaimed;

TRY OUR VAPES! YOU’LL LOVE THEM! OR YOUR MONEY BACK!

Quite how nobody noticed this vulgar display in such a quiet part of the city, or that Mr & Mrs Croall disappeared overnight along with their pleasant little florist business, was down to its proprietor.

---

John tried so hard to kick the habit. He tried willpower, he tried going cold turkey, he tried patches, he tried gum. He even tried hypnotherapy. Nothing worked. He wanted to quit, but without Bernice at his side, it was hopeless. John and Bernice had been regulars at the church for over thirty years, turning up every Sunday, dressed smart, enjoyed the sermon but most of all just enjoyed being in the congregation and part of the community. And the community loved them. When Bernice passed away from lung cancer, the biggest part of John’s life went with her. John slowly withdrew from the community over time, he just couldn’t face being out amongst people without her, and his church attendance fell away from being a regular to becoming a stranger.

The community and congregation changed around him as time marched forward. Neighbours moved on, and friends died. John remained the same but he was no longer John to them - he was that creepy sixty-year-old man who barely left his house. When he did leave the house, people stared, whispered on street corners, took their children and crossed the road. Today, he took a walk to the small group of shops nearby, where he would collect his usual Sunday newspaper and a packet of cigarettes.

When he got there he didn’t notice that anything had changed. Something felt different, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. He clocked each shop unit in turn to try and spot what had changed. After standing on the opposite side of the street for what seemed like an age, he gave up. He was about to walk into the newsagent's when something flashed in the corner of his eye. A bright neon sign begged for his attention.

“Vape Expectations”, it proclaimed. John allowed himself a short laugh. Funny, he thought, turning to look down the road to see the spire of the church rising above the tress, I wonder what old Inglis would say about this place.

As he turned back to try and peer inside the shop, the poster screamed back at him.

TRY OUR VAPES! YOU’LL LOVE THEM! OR YOUR MONEY BACK!

That was a lofty promise. John had tried everything to quit smoking, maybe this vape malarkey could be the key. What the hell, he thought, might as well give this a try too. And with a shrug, he stepped in.

Inside, the shop smelled of fresh paint. There was a single counter by the wall opposite the door. It was the kind that had a glass-fronted cabinet built into it so you could put all sorts of items on display to entice customers with. The walls were lined with rows upon rows of small glass vials. They were filled with liquids of every hue and shade you could think of and more, and arranged in such a way that when the sun hit the shop at just the right time, the inside exploded into a kaleidoscope of colour. It was quite a sight. Behind the counter stood a man, and behind him was a door, presumably to some sort of stock room, although quite what else he’d need was beyond John as he stared around the shop in wonder. This must’ve taken him an age to arrange! he thought in a dreamlike state.

“Indeed it did,” replied the man.

John snapped out of his trance and blinked.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I’m Craig. I haven’t seen you in here before.”

John took a moment to compose himself, “Er, no, no it’s my first visit. These things here,” he said gesturing around the walls, “are these vapes?”

“Yes,” Craig replied, “I import them specially. They’re filled with an incredible array of flavours, they have a most pleasant taste. You could say that no two are the same, and each one will pair with one person,” he said smiling. John didn't like the way he smiled. He also didn’t like his choice of words, but then it was probably a sales thing. He looked at Craig up and down, trying to size him up - he was tall and slim, maybe too slim, a little too much on the lanky side to John. His wan complexion was in stark contrast to the crop of wild, shorn ginger hair that sat on top of his long head. And his face was adorned with a beaked nose. It wasn’t a good combination. The smile unnerved him the most, though. It was a thin, insipid grin.

“Here, let me find one for you,” Craig said, reaching under the counter before placing a small silver pipe and one of the vials on the counter top. The liquid swirled with a colourful shade of green. Green was John’s favourite colour, how did he know!

“Allow me to show you,” and the strange man named Craig picked both up and slowly put them together, carefully showing John just how the vial slotted neatly into the silver pipe with little effort. “There. All ready. Give it a try,” he said, handing it to John.

“What do I do? I’ve never tried a vape before.”

“The pipe contains a small modicum of electronic wizardry, I confess I don’t really understand all of it myself but you take a draw much like you do with a cigarette. The liquid inside is turned into a vapour, it has a most pleasant taste. Far, far better than those death sticks you smoke. You inhale, let it sit with you for a second, and then exhale. They say it’s far healthier than smoking, and it can also lead to you stopping altogether!”

“And then you get hooked on these instead,” John said the quiet part out loud, rolling the silver pipe between his fingers. He was skeptical - nothing this good for you came without a catch. He remembered all the adverts and promises of cigarettes when they first came out, and they eventually robbed him of Bernice. But, still, he couldn’t quit, and there was nothing else left to try.

“Alright,” and he raised the silver pipe to his lips, “Like this?”

“Yes, just like a cigarette.”

John pursed his lips slightly and placed the silver pipe between them. He drew in a small breath, and he could feel a rush of something enter his lungs and a lingering taste in his mouth. It was incredible. That Craig was right - it had the most pleasant taste after all, not bitter or ashen, but sweet, like something from a childhood memory his mother used to give him after dinner, and that fiery glow he felt from within. What was that? He’d never felt anything like it before, and certainly nothing like this in the 40 years he’d been smoking cigarettes!

John exhaled, and a huge bellow of white smoke blew from him. He panicked a little and coughed.

“Oh, don’t worry, it takes everyone aback their first time, it’s just how vaping works. It’s far healthier because your lungs expel all of the vapour rather than retaining that nasty, sticky tar you get from cigarettes. And it has the most pleasant taste, too.”

“Wow, you’re not wrong,” John replied, marvelling at the little silver pipe and the vial of green liquid. “Ok, what’s the catch? How much is this going to sting me?”

“Oh, no catch. And,” Craig leant in over the counter towards John, his insipid grin widening, “since you’re my first customer today, you can have this one free of charge. Just bring them back once you’ve finished.”

Lucky day! John thought to himself.

“Ok, so I just come back when the little glass thing is empty?”

“Yes, sort of. The liquid in the vial changes colour as you vape. It has something to do with the…”

“electronic wizardry?”

“…yes, that’s it, the electronic wizardry. Anyway, when the colour has been fully replaced with another, come back to me. You don’t vape that colour.”

John felt great. The fire deep within his body was starting to abate a little, but otherwise, the little detour from his usual routine was a great decision.

“Well, thank you, Craig. I’ll see you soon, I guess?”

“Indeed you will.”

“Oh, great name for the shop, by the way. Vape Expectations. Very good, clever.” And he turned and headed out the door for home.

“I’m glad you think so, John.” Craig smiled as the sun lit up the shop into a million colours.

---

By the time John got home, he had taken another few draws of his new favourite pastime. The warm glow had started to spread throughout his body, and he felt so invigorated by it. Every step he took no longer felt laboured, and he certainly didn’t feel his age. He went outside to the garden bench he and Bernice would often sit on a sunny day, pulled out the silver pipe and vaped a little more.

It’s true what Craig said - not only did it have a most pleasant taste, but it really did feel like it had been paired for him and him alone. John noticed that some of the green liquid had started to wane a little, he could see a tinge of china blue mixing in there now. John wondered how all of this worked. He tried looking at the silver pipe but couldn’t fathom where all this electronic wizardry was, and try as he might, he couldn’t dislodge the vial from it either.

“I suppose that’s why Craig needs them back,” he exhaled, another cloud of vapour blowing from his lungs.

By the third day, John was feeling transformed, gregarious even. He wanted to be outside in the real world, not stuck indoors like the hermit he had taken to being. He strode with confidence, an enigmatic smile and a cheeky wink at passers by who not only were surprised to see John out so often now but also that he had somehow become a hell of a lot creepier for it. He continued to vape, but more often now, the vial filled up faster with the china blue colour as the green hue grew thinner and thinner.

By the fifth day, there was barely a trace of green left. John knew that he needed to return to the shop and bring the silver pipe and vial back to its proprietor. He’d probably finish the vape on the way, so he set off, silver pipe in hand. He continued to vape, and the most pleasant taste in his mouth began to wear thin, so he stopped. He saw that the vial had completely changed to china blue now. When he passed by some folks in the community, his smile had become less enigmatic and more crooked, and with raised eyebrows, he’d lick his lips at them, sending them scurrying across the road.

Finally, he reached the shop. The yellow, garish neon sign was still broadcasting its name to anyone within distance. The poster in the window still promising results or your money back. John entered and was immediately greeted by the tall, thin man behind the counter.

“Why, hello, John, how do you feel?”

“Like a new man,” John replied.

“Do you have my vial?”

John handed him the tiny silver pipe and vial filled with china blue liquid. Craig pulled the vial from the pipe easily and held it up to the light, turning it in his fingers.

“It is a curious thing indeed, seeing a soul trapped this way.”

“I didn't know it would be this easy,” John laughed, “to possess them, I mean.”

“Well, there’s possession,” said Craig, pointing a finger at John, “and then there’s possession.” he smiled, turning to the door behind the counter, “And now we have both.”

He opened the door to a dark storeroom. The walls were lined with small vials filled with liquids of every hue and shade you could think of and more, but no sunlight would ever illuminate this place.

Watch for Part Two…

Inspired by this interaction on Notes with John Murphy!